Have you ever stayed late at work to help a colleague, even when you were exhausted? Many of us have done this at some point, and it might be a sign of people-pleasing. People-pleasing often stems from early childhood experiences and societal expectations.
What is the Definition of People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is when we go out of our way to satisfy others to gain approval, avoid conflict, and feel valued. While being helpful and cooperative are positive traits, excessive people-pleasing can lead to neglecting our own needs, causing stress and mental health concerns.
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Why Do We Become People-Pleasers?
Early Influences: Think back to your childhood. Did you only receive praise when you were being helpful or good? This could have taught you that your worth is tied to pleasing others. Research shows that individuals with anxious attachment styles often engage in people-pleasing behaviours to avoid rejection and maintain relationships. When we were kids, if we only got praise when we were being helpful or good, we might have learned to please others to feel valued.
Need for Approval: As adults, this need for approval can become deeply ingrained. In the workplace, this might look like taking on more tasks than you can handle, avoiding asserting your own opinions, and striving to be seen as indispensable, even at the expense of your own well-being.
Fear of Rejection and Conflict: Many of us fear rejection and conflict, making it hard to say no or set boundaries. This fear is often rooted in a desire to maintain harmony and avoid the discomfort of confrontation. Studies indicate that people-pleasers experience amplified anxiety and stress when facing potential rejection.
Low Self-Esteem: If you struggle with self-esteem, you might seek external validation to feel worthy. This can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing, or becoming someone we're not to gain others' approval to combat negative thinking feel good about yourself. Over time, this can erode your self-confidence and make it difficult to assert your needs.
Cultural and Societal Expectations: In many cultures and rules in society about how to behave, there are strong expectations to be cooperative, agreeable, and helpful. These societal norms can reinforce people-pleasing behaviours, making it challenging to break free from these patterns.
Overcoming People-Pleasing
Breaking free from people-pleasing starts with small steps and seeking support. Here are some actions you can take:
Start Small: Begin by saying no to minor requests. Practice this with friends or in low-stakes situations to build your confidence.
Seek Counselling: Professional help can provide you with strategies to manage people-pleasing behaviours. Consider finding local counselling service like ours in Yeovil where you can find a comfy and modern space to talk about mental health concerns, or life experiences in general. If you'd prefer to book online counselling sessions we offer those too and there are plenty of option you can find on the counselling directory. You can find out more about our service and others near you here.
Join Wellbeing Workshops: Engage in workshops that focus on assertiveness and boundary-setting. There are many wellbeing courses you can access online and if you're looking to support people with people pleasing tendancies or find out more about stress and burnout that can be caused by pleasele pleasing, you can find out more about our private or mental health first aid Bristol training or stress and burnout in the workplace. These can provide you with the tools and support needed to prioritise your own needs.
Reflect on Your Needs: Spend time understanding what you truly need and want. Journaling can be a helpful way to explore your feelings and motivations.
Build Self-Esteem: Focus on activities that boost your self-esteem and self-worth. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small, and remind yourself of your intrinsic value.
Breaking the Cycle: Understanding these root causes is the first step in addressing people-pleasing behaviour. By recognising where these tendencies come from, we can begin to develop healthier patterns of behaviour that prioritise our well-being while still fostering positive relationships with others. Seeking support through counselling sessions, engaging in wellbeing workshops, and practising assertiveness can help in managing these tendencies.If you're affected by any of the topics in this article, we’re here to help. Feel free to drop us a line or email one of our friendly team who will be able to support you.
References
Psychology Today. "Attachment Style and People-Pleasing." Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-finesse/202109/attachment-style-and-people-pleasing
Bariso, J. (2018). "How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser." ResearchGate. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/326998074_How_to_stop_being_a_people-pleaser
Psychology Today. "Breaking the Cycle of People-Pleasing." Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/202401/breaking-the-cycle-of-people-pleasing
Counselling Directory. "People-Pleasing: Understanding the Roots and Consequences." Available at: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/people-pleasing-understanding-the-roots-and-consequences
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